All my Friends are Sex Workers: What I Learned About Consent, Boundaries and Being Paid for Your Time

 By Melissa A. Vitale 

My dear friend and former-client, CPA-turned-High-End Escort Mia Lee famously replied to a commentator when she was told they couldn't believe she performs sexual acts for money that "I can't believe you give blow jobs for free!" 

Mia is not my only friend who is a sex worker for a main form of income. One day I'm finally going to make good on my promise to make shirts that say "All my Friends are Sex Workers!" Through my work with various play communities, adult products, and being one of the more well-known publicists of the sex tech industry, I've met a lot of sex workers, and they're often some of my favorite friends. Most of them have flexible schedules like mine, so we can do things like take an afternoon off to see each other, freeing up my coveted nights and weekends for self-care. Also, if you've ever been friends with a dominatrix, you know they have the BEST stories to tell. It can be a godsend to have a fellow female business owner to bounce ideas off of, complain about shit clients, and get inspiration from. Sex workers are also rarely bound to society's status quo, a feature my mother always described in me as "She marches to the beat of her own drummer." Talking to friends who follow the typical Get a Job, Get Married, Quit your Job, Have Babies, Raise Babies, and Feel lost when they leave the house, it can often be discouraging to announce your wild ideas. 

Sex workers are the oldest freelance, predominately female profession. Long before the written word, women were making money from men's desires. And they should! Men often complain about women cashing in on the male gaze. But virtually all women suffer from men's sexual exploitation. Before I moved into my family-oriented neighborhood, I couldn't even go to my god-damn mailbox without being cat-called. Riding the subway, my travel companion is often a pit of fear in my stomach. I'm fully convinced that most women don't need to wear bras but the reason we do is because men can't control themselves. Now imagine every time a man put you in a position of fear because of his longing, you'd get paid? Most women could retire early before the age of 30! 

Having sex workers as friends has given me a glimpse into their insight and it's one that's changed my own mindset. 

There is a Value for your Time 
We have a tendency to think about the expenses paid, but not the value of time. Consider the example of heteronormative dating: a man takes a woman for drinks and spends $40 for two drinks. At face value, the man spent more money. Now think about the emotional labor a woman put into the date: she got ready for two hours, assuming her time is valued at $100 an hour, she spent $200 on that date. Next time you go on a date and spend hours getting ready, make sure you order what you want to order, get the second drink, and do so without guilt. The same can be applied to business. If you're working with someone and have to travel to a gig, or return samples to a client, there is a cost of your time beyond the reimbursable expenses. Sure the client is paying $40 for your Uber to an event, but what about the hour-plus of travel time? Think about the time it costs you as much as as the expense itself. 

Your Presence Deserves Compensation 
Escorts are often paid to spend time with their clients beyond just having sex. They'll travel to conventions so that their client will have a beautiful date to explore the city with when they're done with the work day. They'll be their date to weddings, or will give them something beautiful to look at during a work dinner. Women don't often think about the value of their presence, especially for shared events like dinner parties, vacations, work events. "But he's paying!" or "I got this for free!" Yes, but you look stunning which wasn't cheap to achieve, and unless you're the worlds worst date, you're likely livening up the conversation. Not to mention if you put out at the end.  You may not want to accept payment for your companionship, but don't feel guilty about requesting something for you. Maybe you want to take a dessert home with you to eat in your bath tub while watching Netflix. Or you want him to take 100 pictures until he gets the right one to update your instagram profile. This can apply to work as well: I often get asked to go to events. Sure, I may be getting a $150 ticket comped, but I'm often asked about my expertise for free. A consultation with me can run thousands of dollars. Often times, it's not worth getting ready for, traveling to, and attending an event if the only compensation is a comped ticket. 

Protect Yourself 
I often find myself wanting to say yes when I know I should say no. In the aftermath of agreeing to something that goes against my morals, values or boundaries, I often feel like shit, while the person I said yes to doesn't even realize the personal harm they caused. If you don't protect yourself, your business, your peace, your mental health, your safety, no one else will do it for you, and the other person won't even realize they crossed a line. 

No is a Complete Sentence and Rejection should be Accepted Gracefully 
This comes from the BDSM and Play communities. Women especially are raised to be people pleasers. When we set out boundaries, we often find ourselves explaining for hours why we don't want to say something. But no is a complete sentence: you can say no to anything you want or don't want to do! If someone is making you explain your decision outside of making sure they don't violate a boundary in the future, they probably don't align with your values. We're taught in play and kink communities that if someone says no, you shouldn't react negatively to the rejection. Think of those times when you declined a date with someone and they verbally or god-forbid, physically attacked you, or guilted you by turning it against you, "You're shallow," "you're a bitch," etc. When someone says no, that's a final answer and any retaliation is a reflection of the recipient of the rejection, not the one asserting their boundaries. 

Seek Out Safe[r] Spaces
There could be 1,000 rules and hoops to jump through, but if someone is a predator who wants to prey on someone, they will find a way to get in the door. What matters is what is done when boundaries or consent is violated or an assault, either verbal or physical, is committed. This doesn't just apply to queer, kink, or play spaces: conferences, work-dinners, happy hours, networking events are all places where women have felt unsafe, have experienced sexism or have been sexualized. Do the organizers care if someone was mistreated? Are they inviting known predators because of their perceived power? These are the decisions I make when deciding to attend an event for either personal or professional reasons. It's simply not worth the risk of leaving a space feeling worse about myself than when I arrived. 

There is Always Someone who Aligns with your Desires and Boundaries
A close friend once complained to me that her boyfriend didn't want to have sex with her on her period, a time when she was notoriously horny. I replied to her that she could make an Ad online and find someone who would pay for the pleasure of not only having sex with her, but also eating her out on her period. "Tell that to your boyfriend." The same goes for clients. There are clients who don't like my working style. They want a call every week, something I tell my clients will never happen without additional fees. There are publicists out there who offer weekly calls standard and they are welcome to work with one of them. Sometimes we want to work with, be friends or start a relationship with someone where the boundaries just don't align. There can be instances of friends who require certain emotional support we're not prepared to give. Or in work, certain services or requirements that I don't specialize in. It's the universe telling you they're not a person or opportunity worth your time, peace or efforts.

Know your Hourly Rate 
When a freelancer or small business owner complains about lack of money to me, the first thing I do is ask them what their hourly rate is. The way I calculate it is adding up monthly expenses: not just your current expenses but also your desired expenses like savings for future goals like a house or children, savings for emergencies, and vacation money. Once you have that number per month and multiply it by 35% to account for taxes, divide that by the amount of hours you want to work per month. This will help you understand how much time you should be putting into a client, especially those that negotiate down. If your hourly is $100 an hour and a client is paying a monthly retainer of $500, you know to stop working on them after 5 hours per month. If they want more work, well, they can pay you more. The same goes for personal time. Using the same example of $100 an hour, think about if something that saves you money that takes an hour, is it worth it. Think of driving and tolls. You can drive an extra hour to save $20 in tolls. But did you really save anything? That cost you an hour of your time, or $100 you could've made on your business, so really, it cost you $80. 

​There is a Cost for Extras
When my clients ask if I can do something they want to do themselves, but doesn't fall under my standard services, my reply is rarely "no." Instead, I say, "Yes, and the additional cost for this is XYZ." As retainer service providers, we want our clients to find value in their investment, and that can be a dangerous water for our time. If we say "yes," without fee, they may take advantage of that whether they realize they're doing it or no. My retainers come with certain services. Anything additional comes with an additional fee. My recommendation for freelancers and business owners is to create an internal services document. Think of everything you've been asked to provide that falls outside of your standard services. Now think about how much money you'd like to make to in order to execute those tasks, using your hourly rate as a guide. Add a few extra dollars to account for the taxable amount, and add it to your service document. This way, when a client asks for additional work, you are ready with the amount it will cost them before you say yes. The same goes for personal relationships. Maybe you don't want to give a blowjob, or help a friend move apartments. What is that person going to do for you to offset the additional labor? 

​You can end the Relationship Anytime you Want 
If someone is not treating you the way you want to be treated, cut them off. There are other clients, other friends, other relationships out there that better serve you. I notoriously resigned from clients because they weren't being very nice to me or respecting my work boundaries. It can be scary, especially when there's a financial component to the relationship, but it opens the door for opportunities that better serve your goals and peace. 

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